At work, I tend to listen to my iPod while I'm sitting at my desk. For the past few months, I've listened to a lot of podcast episodes relating to Catholic material. A few years ago, the first podcast I ever stumbled across was the SaintCast, and this has eventually led me to other Catholic podcasts on iTunes. The next one I started listening to was the Rosary Army, which actually stopped around 2009, I think, because the hosts, Greg and Jennifer Willits were offered a radio time slot on the Catholic Channel on Sirius-XM. Anyway, I listened to all the Rosary Army episodes, and now I've been playing catch up with the podcasts they put out of segments from the radio show.
There was one episode in particular that hit me today. In episode #83, Greg talked about getting hurt by someone, forgiveness, and receiving healing for the hurt. Recent events that have happened in my life have made me reflect on just how weak I am and how I could be a better person. The thing that has been difficult for me has been how I treat people depending on what they've done for me or to me. I know I should never judge a person by any of these criteria, but my human falleness cannot get away from judging others on a utilitarian level. Greg talked about how he has a tendency to push people away when they do something to him that completely destroys his trust. He said that by doing this, he starts throwing up walls against people, and before he knows it, he's blocked himself out from everyone, even those whom he didn't mean to do that to, including his family.
He then mentioned how much he tries to make things work, and tries to be strong. This is where he caught my attention. He tries so hard to do everything his way, and thinks that he can do it all himself, but he only gets frustrated because, to be honest, he can't do it all himself. He says that he keeps trying and trying to do everything in his life the right way (or what HE thinks is the right way), that sometimes he just has to stop and realize it's not getting him anywhere. I can totally relate to this. I THINK that my way is the way that works and that I know what I'm doing, and I want to push my ideas on other people. But, I know I can't do this. I am a weak person; I am a selfish person; and I am broken inside. And, the only way to fix that brokenness is to let God in. When I rely on myself more than I rely on God, I am bound to fail. My strength will be my downfall, because in my strength hides my pride. I must seek weakness, because in my weakness I can lean on Jesus Christ more. I just pray to God that He gives me the grace to overcome my selfishness and my pride by being selfless and focusing on my weaknesses.
