Why did you doubt?

In the past few weeks, I've been trying to find peace of heart, which I realized has escaped me for many months.  The search has made me recall the time when my faith began to take off at the end of my junior year of college.  Of course, my faith was always present through my elementary and high school years, but it truly blossomed when my eyes were opened to the lives of the saints and Church history.  To top it all off, I fell in love with the Sacred Heart of Jesus and pursued the devotion which I maintain today (The First Friday of November will mark two years!).

Yet, out of all the discovery, I remember this deep sense of peace that flowed from my heart and enveloped my soul in a quiet joy.  The grace God granted to me was overwhelming, and I felt His presence shaping and molding my mind and my heart to recognize my salvation through the Church.  I felt as nothing could disturb me then... and I've been praying to God to have just a small portion of that peace back.

Through my prayer, meditation, and reading, I have seen some of the impediments that keep me from peace and hinder me from keeping in tune with God's voice.  One, if you read my previous post about being serious all the time, this is the first and foremost obstacle I've put in my way.  I become too concerned with walking that fine tight rope, and I think falling will be the end of me, when I'm really only six feet off the ground and Jesus is walking under me waiting to catch me if I fall.

Two, I'm lacking in trust.  I start to drown in all the cares I have with work, money, my vocation, and just my overall future.  I'm constantly asking myself, where am I going and what I'm doing with my life?  How am I going to take care of all these responsibilities I've been given?  The simple answer to all of those is trust in God.  I'm constantly running ahead when all that God wants me to do is slow down, take His hand, and walk with Him.  Sometimes I feel like Peter when Jesus, standing on the water, allowed for him to step out of the boat and walk toward Him on the water.  His trust starts out strong, but then he begins to fear the wind and the waves and begins to sink.  He cries out to Jesus for help, and He instantly grabs his hand and pulls him up.  And the question that He asks Peter is something I ask myself all the time: "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Mt 14:22-33)  I sink into the ocean of my doubts and cry out to the Lord, who rescues me, but then, ashamed, I wonder why I was ever sinking in the first place.

Finally, the third major obstacle is my judgment and lack of love and acceptance that sometime evades my life.  Loving as God does helps everything in life fall into place, and doing "whatever He tells you" (as the Blessed Mother instructs us at the wedding in Cana) means, in a nutshell, loving yourself and loving your neighbor.  This love ties into my first and second obstacles, and I know that as I continue to work on just loving, those other obstacles will break down, and my peace and freedom will return.  Even now, I taste a little sweetness of that peace!

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As for what's been going on in my life: I've been a busy, busy lady.  I've started a new catechist class, "Overview of Catholic Doctrine: The Creed", and have finished my "Introduction to the Church" class, which was phenomenal.  This week and next week are super busy with some class overlap, since I start another class, "Introduction to Prayer", while continuing with "Introduction to Scripture" and "The Creed" class (lots of trips to Harrisburg!).

On the 15th, I celebrated my patron's feast day, St. Teresa of Avila, and what a beautiful day it was!  My friend Brian and I took an early morning trip to the Carmel of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph in Elysburg, PA to attend a Solemn High Mass at 9:00 AM.  It was an absolutely stunning liturgy, and we were pleasantly surprised to have students from St. Gregory's all boys Catholic school who sang Gregorian Chant in tandem with the sisters in the cloister.  The boys also chanted various other songs, including a beautiful version of the Ave Maria.  I also got to witness my first Entrance; a young woman from Australia, now Sister Elizabeth Lucy, attended Mass with her mother and some other relatives and friends, and then, at the end of Mass, went to the cloister door, knocked, and was brought inside.  She then went to the chapel and recited a prayer from within the cloister at the communion window, and then the grille window was closed.  I also got to talk to Mother Stella Marie, the Mother Prioress of the Carmel, for a little while to update her on how I was doing and to see how things were at the Carmel.  All in all, it was a beautiful celebration of the feast day!

May God keep you!  Laus Deo!