I was talking to one of my friends last night about discernment and how difficult it can be to accomplish what God has planned for your life, or even discover what He wants, for that matter. We think we're heading in the right direction and our desires are in alignment with His will, but then, it doesn't turn out the way we want it to. Most of the time we suffer defeat, our pride is hurt, and we are upset because we didn't get what we wanted. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't want to give you what you want, but the key thing to remember is to ask that our desires be conformed to His will when we pray for something.
I remember some moments a couple of years ago while I was in college when I found myself just praying with total trust and abandonment to the will of God. I was single and discerning my vocation, but I found myself hardly concerned with making a decision about what to do with my life after college. I had ambitions and desires about where I wanted my life to go, but I knew that I couldn't worry or stress over my future. I just needed to focus on what was going on at the moment: school work, Catholic ministry responsibilities, friendships, and enjoying the freedom I had before I graduated. Everything fell into place; my desire was to stay in Lancaster, and I remember praying, Lord, if it is Your will, please let me stay in Lancaster and help me to find a job here. Not only did I find a job, but it was something in my field and exactly what I wanted to do with my degree.
Yet, sometimes it seems like not all prayers are answered... at least in the way we want them. God always answers, but sometimes we do not see the answer until later since our vision is so shortsighted and God's is eternal. I found myself, after graduating, wanting to take control back from God and do things my way. Of course, He lets us do this because of the free will He's given us, but time and again, we learn that we cannot do anything without Him and we end up crawling back to Him after we fail.
This is where the gift of hindsight comes in and can help us. I know I've seen where I've prayed for something and not gotten an answer until months or even years later; I've been subjected to all sorts of trials and joys throughout that time until one day I realize that the answer I've prayed for has suddenly come to me. I look back and see just how much of a big deal I've made of the tiniest things, and it's then that I see a pattern that forms into one big learning experience that ties all those experiences together.
Here's a simple faith example. In June of 2010, I prayed a novena (a nine day, consecutive prayer for a special intention) to St. John of the Cross, and my intention was for better understanding and appreciation of the Passion of Christ. At that time, I felt like I was really numb to Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross, and my insensitivity was bothering me. I completed the novena, expecting maybe in the next week or two to see a change, yet whenever there were moments when I meditated on the Passion (usually in the form of the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary), I felt no different. Eventually, I forgot about how worried I was about it, and I silently left it up to God to guide me.
Then, during the Lenten season, while praying the Stations of the Cross, I found myself always meditating on one particular station: "Jesus Is Nailed to the Cross". The Psalm prayed with this station is Psalm 22, part of which Jesus quotes on the Cross: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" By the end of Lent, at the last Stations of the Cross, I was overwhelmed by the fact that the Son of God chose to die for us when He could've done it in a simpler, less violent way. I then realized that, over ten months later, my novena was answered, and what I've described in the previous sentences hardly conveys the emotion I felt.
In a life example, I look back at my relationships with guys that didn't work out, and I can see at least one thing in each that taught me something. A lot of the lessons have helped me to keep God always at the top, and I can see how many times I failed in that throughout my relationships. Also, I would worry incessantly about my future and if I was with the right guy, and I've learned the hard way that worrying like that only makes me (and him) miserable. All in all, God has shown me that as long as He is at the center, nothing can go wrong.
I'd like to leave you with a prayer that I have on the back of an image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It is a beautiful prayer you can use to say at the beginning of your day to help keep your desires in line with God's.
Offering of Self
Take O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more.
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Seeing God's hand in past experiences can help you to persevere in times of trial and suffering, and rejoice in times of happiness and joy, because nothing happens without a reason.
Laus Deo!
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